Endless options, countless routes, a million different doctors, practitioners, and specialists, diagnosis dripping from their tongues, and a girl spinning in fear… this was my life since I delivered my oldest, over 11 years ago. I could go into all the details of these past years, spilling my guts about all I have experienced, the endless tests I had run one after another, after another… There were the tests where I had to collect urine for 24 hours while trying to continue living life normally (looking back I am sooooo very thankful for the amazing friends that let me stay with them in Portland for all of these appointments, fed me, walked around with me in between appts. and tests all while carrying around my potty bag!… Josh and Camilla, you are dear and loved- xo). The ones where long needles were stuck into my muscles and then electric pulses were sent into them and I was shocked from the inside basically (while I had my then 3 and 4 year olds watching a movie on an iPad in hopes they wouldn’t hear/ see/ remember any of what their mommy was going through)… I am sure these tests all have names, and are necessary. I was thankful to have them and to have ruled so much out. I could talk about all of the drugs I have been on to put me to sleep, wake me up, keep my anxiety from not sleeping under control, and keep me in a dull state daily. I have seen naturopaths, endocrinologists, medical doctors, hormone specialists, had sleep studies, and spent years of time at a health and science university. I have had diagnosis delivered. I have had them taken away. I have bought into the hope of each of these people stating there was help and we would find an answer… that I would be better soon. That my husband would have a normal- functioning wife again. That my kids would have a mommy that could play and run with them again. I have been told that my body was shutting down, that I was dying, it was bleak, it was scary, it was overwhelming.
I could spend days telling you all about ALL of these things and soooo, so much more. But there is little value in it that is of wasting my typing fingers on… you see; all of these people, tests, and drugs are important. Sometimes they are needed. I am not saying that I don’t value doctors, or that I think that tests are obsolete. I am definitely not saying that drugs are not needed at all! What I am saying is that I without a doubt respect western/ eastern medicine and practices in their place. But without relying on God I was stuck in an endless spiral of living in continual fear. You see, I knew His truths, I have lists of God’s promises on my phone, I read His word, talk to Him, and hide His word in my heart. But when it came to my health, it was entirely overwhelming and I bought into the fear that was not of God.
I am not currently taking any medications for anything. I have found that using essential oils are just as useful as the drugs I was on, yet without the side effects. I have found a sleep spray that definitely helps to calm my mind at night, and I am ready to sleep. I am ready and excited for God to heal my body! For now I am spending a lot of time resting when I cannot find sleep and I get to spend a tremendous amount of time in prayer. I am really working on just relying on God to meet my needs daily… as simple as they may seem: getting out of bed, having energy to do simple housework, having a smile on my face, being joy-filled, and to bring restful, deep, long, hard sleep!
I am constantly hearing of new things to try, or a doctor to see, etc… and I am not opposed to these options. I am however, cautious. I have seen how I gave into fear of the “what- ifs” and diagnosis’ in the past. I acted on this fear without first taking it to my Savior. I said yes to pills, treatments, and men who had good intentions for sure. But I committed to these all without first relying on Jesus.
Aside from explaining where I have been, what I have tried, and where I am at now… what I really, really want you to know is that relying on God is where it is at. In the true trusting in Him, resting in His promises, and giving Him all of your worries whether big or small… He is there for you. He will carry you through when you cannot go on! I have LOVED this poem since I was a young girl and it still paints a picture for me of true reliance on the Lord:
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:
“LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you’d walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me.”
The LORD replied:
“My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you.”
Psalms is bursting with encouragements for us in relying on the Lord. Here are some of my faves:
Psalms 121:2 My help comes from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth.
Psalms 9:9 The LORD also will be a stronghold for the oppressed, A stronghold in times of trouble
Psalms 18:2 The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Psalms 27:13-14 I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.
Psalms 55:22 Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.
Psalms 56:3-4 When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, In God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid What can mere man do to me?
Our God does not lie in just the Western or Eastern… He is EVERYWHERE, He is so much bigger than our problems, sicknesses, diseases, and fears.
Rely on Him!
Sincerely, Dani